As I retrieved my competition costume from the wardrobe almost 4 months after I had hung it up after my last competition (where we fared quite badly), Mom instinctively guessed what was coming.

"Going to become a clown again? When is it?"

"Next month," I replied weakly.

"Know your limits. Don't get carried away with it," she admonished with a air of resignment.

Instantly whatever enthusiasm about the upcoming competition I had felt before dissipated into thin air. I had, indeed, taken the costume out of storage so I could make it ship-shape for my next planned competition, next month, in December.

Immediately I felt in the middle of a dichotomy. On the one hand, I enjoyed dancing. It is the one activity in which I could leave the world behind and just dance. I don't think of anything else when I dance.

On the other hand, I knew I wouldn't be very good at it. And I wouldn't, unlike RH, ML and gang, be known for my skill in dancing (probably the lack thereof). And it was not going to bring in any income. Why should I do it then? Everything seems to point against continuing in the sport. All it seems to be is to remain as a hobby, and a costly one at that.

At the same time, I have every wish to do my parents proud. I guess it the traditional child mentality of gaining approval from your parents. I never really quite grew out of that.

Hence, the dichotomy. I love dancing, I love the way one can play with one's body in such a way, as though it's the only toy you ever had, and yet, I did not want to make m parents unhappy or worried about my future.

I wonder if the others face the same opposition. I know kitty does. The rest might have a lesser problem since they dance better...